14 Things You’ll Hear When Dating a Man from a Third-World Country

June 22, 2016
14 Things a Western Woman Will Hear When Dating a Man from a Third-World Country

As a white New Zealander living in Nepal and seeing a Nepali man, I’ve received a lot of understanding and encouragement, but also some pretty offensive assumptions from friends and strangers alike. Here are some things that I keep hearing, over and over again, and that I know other Western women with Nepali partners face. I believe a lot of these comments are also applicable to women dating men from other non-Western, developing countries.

14 Things You’ll Hear When Dating a Man from a Third-World Country

1. Don’t men from (insert name of country) just expect women to cook and clean?

 Dating a Man from a Third-World Country

Sometimes. But I guarantee that a proportion of men from every country are guilty of this. Patriarchy and misogyny are pretty borderless. My dad in New Zealand was justifiably offended when, after my mum’s death, his colleagues implied that he would be incapable of feeding himself without resorting to takeaways. I mean, with my mum gone, who was going to take care of the domestic stuff?! I’ll judge men on how they behave, not how others expect them to behave. (For the record, my Nepali boyfriend is an exceptionally good cook, he prepares multi-dish feasts with whatever happens to be in the fridge, and always cleans up after himself).

2. You’ll encounter cultural problems.

This is a very vague way of saying that we might do things differently. Well, I know people from my own country who do things differently to me, too. Some of which I don’t like, some of which I could learn from. This issue isn’t unique to people from different cultures. When I asked my Nepali boyfriend if there was anything I needed to know about how to behave in his village, he thought for a few moments. “Just don’t wear a bikini. Village people don’t understand.” That seems easy enough to me! Cultural differences don’t always translate into cultural problems, and if they do, I’ll face them when they occur rather than be put off from the beginning.

3. What class/caste/religious background does he come from?

Dating Third-World Country

An Indian friend warned me that my Nepali boyfriend may not be from the ‘right’ caste. How many f***s do I give about caste? Zero. It’s not a component of society where I come from, and even if it was, I’m certain I’d disapprove of it. When it comes to religion, as long as he isn’t fanatical and doesn’t try to impose anything on me, he can get on with it.

4. I’ve always wanted to do that.

Then what’s stopping you? ‘That’, I presume, is taking the risk of being with someone from a different culture, with all the difficulties and rewards that go along with it. What gets lost in the excitement here is that relationships still come down to individuals with unique personalities and values, and just adding ‘dating a local’ to the bucket list could lead to disappointment if such relationships aren’t entered for the right reasons.

5. Your (insert foreign language) will really improve.

I hope so. My boyfriend is very encouraging of my attempts to learn Nepali, and is happy to practice my currently extremely banal and limited sentence structures with me, ad nauseum. And while he may be rather optimistic in predicting that I’ll be fluent in two months (he said that two months ago, too!), there is no better way to practice and learn new words quickly than making the effort to learn his language.

6. You won’t be accepted by his family.

This isn’t a problem restricted to cross-cultural relationships. Anyone’s family has the potential to be difficult, even if you are from the same culture or country. Certainly, cultural and language differences can compound problems and lead to misunderstandings, but they don’t always. Many families are simply happy that their son/daughter has found a good person whom they care about. As it should be.

7. He might just be interested in your passport.

Clearly, this is offensive. Yes, there are unscrupulous people out there who see marriage as a path to living in a different, often more-developed, country. But firstly, this is assuming that all relationships have an end-goal of marriage, which isn’t true. Secondly, it’s not giving me a lot of credit as a mature, intelligent woman who can judge character for herself. And thirdly—and this is something that a lot of Westerners struggle to understand—many people from less-developed countries don’t want to leave everything they know to pursue a life of increased material wealth. Life in an economically poor country may come with specific challenges, but not everyone actually wants to leave permanently. It’s home.

8. It’s just a holiday fling.

Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. That’s not for someone else to decide.

9. I don’t get what you see in them.

Them?! Last time I checked, my boyfriend was only one person. Attraction is somewhat random and very individual, related to personality, values, behaviour and appearance. It’s not like I decided that I wanted to be with someone from Nepal regardless of these very important factors.

10. Long-distance relationships don’t last.

Who says there has to be any physical distance? With increasing opportunities for location independent work, coming from different countries doesn’t mean we have to be in different countries. Both my boyfriend and I have careers that enable a lot of travel—me as a freelance writer and editor, he as an outdoor adventure sport guide—so if we decide we want to be together long-term, the potential to travel together, or divide our time between our home countries, is on the cards.

11. A lot of Western women hook up with men from (insert country).

Often, the implication here is that I am a ‘type’ and my boyfriend is a ‘type’, rather than two people who like each other. It’s true that there are many cross-cultural relationships in Nepal, often involving Western women and Nepali men (more so than the other way around). I see that as a sign that open-mindedness is abundant here, and the potential for compatability, understanding and respect between Nepalis and Westerners is high.

12. What do you talk about?

What does anyone ever talk about!? Life. TV shows. What’s for dinner. Weekend plans. Childhood memories. Favourite travel destinations. Work highs and lows. How to time a hot shower around the power-cut schedule. (OK, that one’s a special highlight of life in Nepal!) We’re not fluent in each others’ languages, but that doesn’t restrict what we can talk about—just the speed at which we can do it!

13. You’re just exoticising each other/it’s a novelty.

Maybe some people exoticise their partners, but I see this as akin to being attracted to someone just because of their looks. It may be one small component, the cause of an initial spark, but unless there’s something more, it’s unlikely to lead to a deeper relationship. So I treat this response much the same as I would if someone said “You only like him for his looks.” It’s rather insulting and doesn’t give either of us much credit.

14. You’re so brave.

At the end of the day, I have faith that most people in this world are good and wish others no harm. I may be brave for many reasons, and I’ll welcome any compliments sent my way. But I don’t believe that being in a relationship with a man from a different country and culture—an economically less-developed country than my own, even—makes me especially brave.

 

Photos for 14 Things You’ll Hear When Dating a Man from a Third-World Country by Pixabay and Unsplash. 

About Elen Turner

Elen Turner is a travel writer and editor based in the South Island of New Zealand. Her writing on New Zealand, Nepal, and India has appeared in a variety of places, including The Best Women’s Travel Writing Vol. 11, Lonely Planet, Architectural Digest, TripSavvy, The New Zealand Herald, and more. She is a developmental editor, copyeditor and proofreader who specialises in helping women authors express themselves through non-fiction and fiction.
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35 thoughts on “14 Things You’ll Hear When Dating a Man from a Third-World Country

  1. Mica elle
    April 21, 2018
    Reply

    Hi there am so curious about the man from nepal inlove with women a foriegner.what should be happen to that man that fall in the girl.how about if he will married and the gf foriegner get pregnat what would happen?if that guy will accept there child and also the family will accept it too.thanx

    • April 23, 2018

      I think that would entirely depend upon the personal circumstances and personalities/values/priorities of the families and individuals involved. As someone who is married to and has a child with a Nepali man, I can say from my experience that I’ve had no problems at any stage. Obviously I can’t speak for all Nepalis, just as nobody could speak for any nationality or group of people, even their own.

  2. Debbie Blakeley
    March 16, 2018
    Reply

    Interesting article. Even though our relationship is relatively new (less than a year) we quickly made the decision that we needed to be together. My Nepali boyfriend is currently looking at how to get a work visa for UK, I however am completing a TEFL course which will guarantee me a work visa in Nepal. We have spoken of marriage and I’d marry him tomorrow, but I need to know all the facts,customs,tolerances and ‘rules’ for a Nepali wife. Do I lose my business/home/assets already accrued to my new husband? What ‘rights’ do Nepali wives have so many questions but still love each other and want this to happen. Our ideal is to spend amounts of months in each other’s countries, let’s see how easy/challenging that one is!
    The main issue others may have (and I’m sure they’ll be vocal about it) is that I am older than my boyfriend, let’s say I’m no longer child bearing age, it’s just a number to us, but I can foresee this being the main issue.
    Any advice??

    • March 16, 2018

      Thanks for your comment. I find these kinds of questions hard/impossible to answer, just like “how are Western wives expected to behave?” would be in reverse. So many things that I was told to be careful of have not proven true/relevant in my case because his family are very easy going. For other Western women with Nepali men who I know, the same cannot be said. So, of course, so much depends on the individuals and families involved. In terms of legalities–if you were living in Nepal and your husband was to die (or if you were to divorce), you wouldn’t receive anything. None of his wealth, or land, would go to you, it would go to the nearest male relative (a brother, uncle etc). But, that doesn’t mean that your assets automatically become his at all. If you have a home in your own country, or a business, or savings, or anything else, nobody has any right to take them from you in Nepal. Also, be aware that non-tourist marriage visas in Nepal don’t permit work. So, if you were planning on working in Nepal, you’d need to arrange for that separately, or independently of your marriage visa. Also, don’t be so quick to assume that Nepalis will be bothered by the age difference. Many Nepalis aren’t preoccupied with age, don’t even track it, may not even know their birthdays… I actually think you’d be more likely to face questions and resistance from Westerners regarding a large age difference than Nepalis, who likely wouldn’t care or notice. But, like I said, this all depends on individual families, as well as the social position and caste of your boyfriend. But, good luck!

  3. Charlotte Bunt
    February 5, 2018
    Reply

    One thing I’d like to add to your point about marrying for citizenship is that it is incredibly difficult to get a tourist visa let alone partner visa , at least here in Australia. My boyfriend is in Cambodia where I met him and
    we could not get him a visa just to visit. I will have to live over there or pay upward of 12k to go through an over 24 month wait to allow him into Australia even if we were married!

    • February 5, 2018

      That is so true! Although really, 12k in Australia? For a New Zealand partnership visa it’s like $350. I’d be surprised if in Australia it cost 12k for the same.

  4. Heartache
    December 16, 2017
    Reply

    After 4 yeas in a long distance relationship with the Nepalese man, I found out recently that he had married with a baby less than a year. Despite asking him many times on the girl noted to be at his family’s home during all the festive season’s, he denied and claimed that she is his uncle”s daughter. I have confirmed with some trusted source that girl indeed is his wife.I had booked a flight to be in Nepal 3 months ago and now is in dilemma whether to go or not tomorrow …Kind of heartaches as I really loved him so much but I felt betrayed. My heart is crushing into milions pieces. Need advice very badly….???

    • December 16, 2017

      Only you know the circumstances of your relationship so I can’t really offer advice here. It doesn’t sound like a situation that is normal or acceptable in Nepal, just like it wouldn’t be acceptable anywhere really.

  5. katka
    October 7, 2017
    Reply

    It’s like reading my mind. I am an Eastern European girl dating a sherpa man and it’s a fresh relationship, but a lot of people around me have that “it’s just a phase”, “vacanze romane”kind of look when I talk about him. Its not normal neither for my culture and for his, but than again, what is really “normal” and if I couldn’t adopt the “normal standards” of my culture till now, maybe that is not the kind of “normal” I need. I am defiantly aware of all the risks and differences, and I’m aware that more of unprepared situations and challenges are yet to come. But how can I know, if I don’t try. I have my doubts and fears about moving to Nepal, especially to a remote village, but we are still young and I don’t know what time will bring.

    • Elen Turner
      October 8, 2017

      Hi Katka, thanks for your comment. There are actually a lot of Nepali-foreign relationships, it’s not a very unusual combination at all, so go for it! Follow your heart and see where it leads 🙂

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