The Day After

I cried for four hours Saturday morning. 

…4 hours…

Saturday morning, the day after I returned from Singapore. I laid in bed and the tears began streaming down my face. My body felt heavy and I couldn’t really move.

You see Singapore was a great experience, a new place, a new culture, the place of “Crazy Rich Asians”. One moment I felt like I was back in Turkey, the next back in India and the next back in New York surrounded by one bank after the next in tall glass buildings.

I enjoyed its grandeur and pristine design. I enjoyed the contrast of the uber chic next to the superbly simple. I enjoyed the food…the flavors of the world tingling my taste buds with each meal.

I danced into the wee hours of the morning at Ce La Vi, atop the Marina Sands Sky bar. It felt so familiar yet I was on literally the other side of the world.

So why you may ask would I end up in my bed and on my floor crying for 4 hours?

So why you may ask would I end up in my bed and on my floor crying for 4 hours?

I asked myself that question too.

I have had moments in time when I’ve cried at length…. Think breaking up with a boyfriend or absolutely struggling through the rigor of medical school.

But this was different.

This was not tied to a specific event, a loss or a challenge I didn’t know if I could overcome. This was about being triggered. Triggered by a world that felt so familiar even though I was 9,521 miles away from New York.

All of a sudden all the remaining pain stored deeply away from years of rejection, years of uncertainty and years of survival was right at the surface with no way of running from it.

So I cried until there were no more tears to cry.

So I cried until there were no more tears to cry. I cried until the pain was released. As I cried I became more liberated, as I cried I became more aligned, as I cried another layer of the onion was peeled and eliminated.

That which remains in our body i.e. unexpressed emotions, thoughts, desires, emotional pain eventually shows up in a physical expression of some sort at some point. It can’t be avoided.

Perhaps you exercise, eat clean, avoid toxic shampoo, body soap, laundry detergent etc but that which is not dealt with internally becomes the root of illness and at its worst chronic illness even while doing all the “right things” externally.

I myself have dealt with a lot of chronic physical pain for many years. Yet I haven’t shared that piece of my life publicly because where we focus our energy is what continuously manifests and I didn’t want to declare that reality on a larger scale.

But this time is different and that’s why I am sharing.

But this time is different and that’s why I am sharing.

I came to Bali as a break, to close the circle on a very long journey but I also came to continue my healing journey. To allow myself to cry, to feel, to sleep, to expand, to resolve my physical pain once and for all and that is exactly what has begun to happen.

I cannot hide, you cannot hide…hiding is an illusion because of the absolute intelligence of the human body. It will adjust and compensate until it just cannot anymore.

So I ask you, do you need to cry?

Will you allow yourself that simple yet powerful expression?

Will you allow yourself to step fully into the light, out of hiding and heal?